My life without the LDS church...

DISCLAIMER: My purpose in writing this post is not to offend anyone, or try to prove a point, or anything...except to clear up speculations about my life. I really am tired of having to "defend" myself to everyone, so this might be a lengthy post...because I am going to get it all out there. Don't feel obligated to read it if you don't want to. I won't be mad..I promise. I think this was mostly just for me to get things out in the open.

I will start out at January of this year. I started to wonder about this church that I belonged to. I was at a point where I was doing some reevaluations of my life, and obviously, the one thing that really "suggested" some of the things that directed my actions was the LDS church. Long story short, I was baptized in 1998 and stayed "active" until about 2000...I had moved to East Lansing and started going to school, and I went out with one of the guys in the building next to me, he made a nasty comment, and so I stopped going to church. Then in 2004, I decided something was "missing" in my life and that the church was it. I ran into some missionaries on campus and from there, started to become "active" again. In December of 2005, I met Chris, we dated briefly and got engaged. By the time that relationship was broken up, I had gone through the temple, which meant I couldn't just run from the things in my life that weren't happening the way I wanted them to. It was really hard for a while...but I kept pushing along. I was approaching graduation from college and so I remember praying one night for guidance on what to do next in my life and I was told to serve a mission. I stopped halfway through the prayer and say out loud, "You aren't serious...Prove it to me that I'm not crazy and misinterpreting." The next day at church, a dear friend's dad gave me a note that said,"Have you ever thought of serving a mission? I was just looking at you and it hit me." In the LDS church, they always teach that the Holy Ghost and Heavenly Father will work with gentle nudgings. I (as we all know...am stubborn as a burro) and nudgings don't work. I need to be hit with a 2 x 4. So I went with it...thinking something will happen in this application process. They won't let me go because I have a tattoo, or because I'm not good enough...or SOMETHING. Anyways, nothing did stop me...and I ended up being called to the Tempe mission in Arizona. Once I entered the MTC (Missionary Training Center)...thats when my doubts/questions suddenly started surfacing. I wanted to go home. I was missing something. Everyone around me was so stellar at everything, and here I was, this girl from Michigan who didn't even know that Abinadi had been burned at the stake. My companion and the other missionaries in my district (basically...the missionaries I spent all my time with) really wanted to be there and loved it. I on the other hand was already trying to force myself to get into the groove of it. Everyone told me it's Satan, it's Satan. So I kept going. However, things got worse once I got to Arizona. I was put with my trainer, Jenny Hansen, and the first thing that came through my head was that she had a sweet shirt on. I thought I hated her as the next 6 weeks went by, but looking back I was actually jealous of her knowledge and testimony. They were definitely two things I THOUGHT I had...but I really didn't. We both decided a long time ago that we would be better friends than missionary companions. I felt like the worst missionary in the entire world. I didn't want to be there. I tried praying to be there...working hard so the desire would come..everything. Instead, I became angry and very unlike myself towards my second companion. I tried to make myself sick or hope something devastating would happen so I could leave. I packed my stuff one day and told my mission president I was leaving and he was like no. So I did all the things they wanted me to do...went to a counselor (who was a kook) fasted, everything. Things were continually getting worse. I kept praying about going home and finally got an answer that it would be okay. I was at peace with this, but this counselor that I was sent to told me that Heavenly Father would NEVER tell a missionary it was okay to leave early. President Craig and I had some "conversations" that usually ended with me leaving his office crying. Things would go good for a day or two and then bam! I was back at the point before where I hated it. On a few of these occassions in his office, some screaming happened (between the both of us) and I could tell he didn't really want me to leave. But I couldn't help that I didn't want to be there. Then a bunch of politics happened, and I FINALLY was able to go home. The morning I was to leave, my two companions had a baptism to go to and so my mission president told me to stay alone in the apartment for a couple hours until the AP's (the missionaries who assist the mission president) could come get me. I asked if I could go to the mission home and wait and I was told no. So these AP's came and picked me up...dropped me off at the airport and when they did, basically threw my luggage on the ground and were like peace out. My mission president walked in with me...and the only thing he said was,"do you have your ticket?" and I said yes...he turned around and ran (yes...RAN) out the door. I never felt more humiliated ever. This was supposed to be a church of love and understanding, when in fact, what I was experiencing was far from that. I cried the whole flight home...mostly tears of joy...and I was good with my decision for leaving. I got home and was there for a couple of weeks, only to find out that the relief society president (Kari VanZanten) had been spreading rumors to people that I left my mission early because I couldn't handle it. I could have throttled her. So one of the missionaries I was in the MTC with said I should come out to UT for a little vacation/break/help. I said okay and within 24 hours was back in Provo Utah. I started going to a support group for missionaries who leave early...I thought it was helping me until the guy who was helping the leader (I think he was training to be a leader of another group) started asking me really innappropriate questions about sex and what not. Again, I was lost with nowhere to turn to. I was really struggling at this point, so I thought maybe there are some things I thought I was forgiven for, but I really wasn't. I went to the bishop and told him everything...hoping to be scared enough with a potential threat of excommunication from the church that I might receive some enlightenment and understanding of how important this was. All he told me was, don't go to the temple for a couple weeks. Throughout the next few months, I did everything in my power to do what was right. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to live this life that seemed like the epitome of a typical LDS life. I wanted the temple marriage, and all of that. However, all of my attempts went unrewarded or unassisted. I went on a couple of dates with LDS guys...which didn't go well at all. I decided, welp...LDS guys don't like me. Not a big deal. But it was hard being single in a place where temple marriages and making families were promoted. It slowly started to leaving as soon as church was over...to skipping relief society...and then skipping sunday school...I went to just sacrament for a while...and then started leaving right after taking the sacrament...to going every other week...to once in a while...to not going at all. And the less I went, the clearer my thoughts were, and the happier I became. I decided I needed to make a decision once and for all. No more of this uncertainty. I prayed....and didn't get anything. It was that moment that I knew where I needed to be. I could no longer affiliate myself with an organization which had values I don't believe in. I put all of my garments in a garbage bag and put them in my suitcase. I don't know why I won't throw away all of my mission stuff...I'm not too emotionally attached to it...but it's one of those things that affected my life...maybe someday. Then I met Jay. Since I've met him I have never been happier in my entire life. It hit me one day when I was doing the dishes that if I didn't serve the mission, I would have never met the missionary who had me come visit, I would have never come back to Utah, and I would never have met Jay. To think of that makes my stomach turn because I still can't believe I have found someone who makes me so happy in Utah. I was planning on moving back to Michigan to be closer to my family and to Kelly, but...Jay has changed all of that. I want everyone (members of the LDS church and those who don't go) to know that I do not have any bitter feelings toward the church and I don't hate it. I'm not one of those angry ex-mormons who go around telling what goes on in the temple or any of that. I have just come to the decision that the LDS religion is not for me. I'm really looking forward to getting out of Utah where it isn't thrown in my face every day. I'm happy for the people I've met and the friends I have made because of it. Some of them are more influential than they know. Laura Waltz for one...She is one of the strongest women I know. She has been able to overcome so many things that I don't think I could have endured, and now she is one of the happiest people I know. The Wesel Clan...who make me so happy. I don't even know how to express it...They are one of the most amazing families in the world...and everytime I go to their house...it's one of the few places that FEELS like a home. Lillian Clay...that girl is just crazy and kept me sane some days! There are plenty more...and I think now everytime I blog, I am going to mention one person who has been influential in my life and WHY. I think it's important for people to know these things. I wouldn't change any of my experiences for the world, and I love everyone soooo much.

I don't really know what picture to post here....but I like it when others put pics up everytime...so here are a couple from the mission...I guess to show that it wasn't THAT horrible of a time.

This is Kristine (on the right) and Emma (on the left)...I love them both...and Emma and I bonded over diet coke...and her cousin serving in Michigan.

My district in the MTC. Minus Ashleigh Adkins.

The Sister Hansen I thought I hated.

Hans Stokes. He's really funny.